It's been years

I had been wondering why I feel so ehh today, then it hit me, tomorrow is my parents wedding anniversary. I wasn't around then (may not have even been a thought) but I'm wondering if it's a reason I'm feeling so down today. (Let's not talk about tomorrow, I'm hoping my mom's lack of short term memory will prevent it, but this isn't a short term thing). Even years later, grief sucks! I want my dad. I wish he was here to help me deal with Mom's short term memory loss (I don't know if it's dementia or just aging), but damn those cigarettes!! I need you!

Covid and grief

 I love my mom. I want to start with this. She is my best friend.

On Thursday night, April, whatever, I started feeling sinus symptoms. A few days ago, Someone at work took a Covid test and was negative, told she had a sinus infection. So I figured this was just one of the many sinus infections I'm likely to get this year. Typical symptoms, headache, sinus pressure, stuffy/runny nose, etc. The usual. Went to work Friday, feeling lousy, but I'm prone to sinus infections, I'm used to them... got home form work, still just feeling run of the mill lousy like I always feel when I have a sinus infection. But, I remember seeing social media posts about people testing positive for Covid-19 after having sinus infections so I'm wondering if that's what is wrong with me. I have all these at home tests, so ight as well see.. i do the second one from a kit I have from work... Is that a faint line??? I'm not sure I trust it, since the test expired in February, but I have these tests my mom ordered from the government... another faint line. After the second test I texted my boss (with pictures of both) saying we might have a problem. He was not happy and recommended that I go to urgent care and get another test and a note saying I can come back to work in 5 days.... I blame the rest of my story on him...

The next day (As I took the test around 7pm and the nearest urgent care closes at 8pm) I went to Urgent Care. After finally getting in the door (It may have only taken 30 minutes, but I'm not the most patient person) I was given a test while having my pulse/ blood pressure taken. The nurse? says my pulse is high. (Medical setting, I've had tons of medical procedures done, my pulse is always higher in a medical setting...) I'm sitting there and the PA comes in saying I'm Covid positive, but my pulse is too high and they won't release me.. I have to go to the ER! (Ignoring the fact that I have a heart condition, was just told that my pulse is high and they won't let me leave) Tried to convince me to take an ambulance. I get he was doing his job, but if you have a patient who has obviously had prior heart survey (saw my scars, they EKG, AND was telling the techs the landmarks of TOF) MAYBE YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO THEM! I got them to agree that my mom would drive me to the Er. So, she picked me up, and after I drove my car home (maybe not the smartest, but I wasn't leaving my car there) we went to the ER.

I get there and they take me right in and do another EKG. Doc says I hav SVT so they give me meds. The nurse gave me some medicine, that doesn't seem like it works more than a few seconds so she gave me more. At that pint to doctors comes in and asks how much she gave me, when she responds he made it seem like she gave me too much all at once. i don't know if it was panic, or if it's just when the drug hit me but I felt instant cushing pain in my chest and all I wanted at the point was my dad (My mom, is wonderful, but my dad was always the one who we called whenever there was some medical emergency. At that point, all I wanted was for him to tell the doctors to stop) For those couple minutes I really thought I was going to die,. I thought they had made some mistake and it was over. And I wanted my daddy, even though my mom was standing right there and I could see her, I remember asking the nurse what "did she do to me" Thankfully, it was just a misunderstanding between the doctor and nurse (the nurse apologized to me a few times, even saying that's how the doctor gets), Yet they wonder why my blood pressure and pulse were so high (thinking you are going to die and the fight or flight response might be a reason), still thinking it's SVT so they give me some IV med to lower it while they talk to a cardiologist. Not too much later the nurse comes in saying the cardiologist said to stop the med. 

12 hours later I'm still in the ER. Waiting for my room to clear since they are keeping me ovenight but my positive Covid test (at this point I've taken 4) is messing things up. I finally get to my room around 11:45pm and everything seems ok. Aside from my annoyance that I'm still in the hospital when I want to go home.

(I'm going to skip to the next morning and the docotr w=visit as the night was uneventfull, aside from the typical nurse wakeups for blood pressure and blood tests... why won't they let you sleep in a hospital???)

The next morning the door opens (I was expecting breakfast since the nurse contacted me over the intercom/ calling thing that she was bringing it) when the doctor walks in. And he asks me if I've felt any fast heart beats or anything,. And actually LISTENED when I told him i had a Fitbit that tracked heart rate and hadn't noticed anything personally or through the device. (DOCTORS- LISTSEN TO YOUR PATIENTS!!!) He then told me that it was most likely they Covid that ade my heart beat so fast and that I did not that SVT. And that I most likely could go home that day! I've never been happier.  

It took a few hours and another saline IV, I have to drink more, but I finally got leave. Happy that my heart seemed ok, aside frm the typical abnormalities that are found in an EKG with someone of TOF and now (many days) later feeling guilty because in y lowest moments I wanted my dead parent, not the one who is still here and my best friend. And that is what sticks with me the most. How grief  and longing for someone no longer here can hit us at our lowest moments.

Still can’t believe it

More than a day and I still can’t believe I heard my oncologist say I beat it. I’m cancer free. Almost 10 years and it’s unbelievable. I don’t know if anyone who hasn’t faced this understands it, but I beat cancer. I won. And it’s amazing

Cancer free

Today was my (rescheduled) appointment with my oncologist.

A week and a half ago I had two missed calls from my doctor on a SUNDAY. As I had just had bloodwork and an X-ray done I was convinced I was dying, so I logged in to the insurance website which shows lab results (what I was going to do if something looked wrong, I don’t know) but I wanted to prepare myself. Everything seemed ok, except for one of the liver levels which was .1% higher than normal, so off to google I went (not always the best idea) but saw that higher levels on that one thing probably just meant dehydration or something not too serious, lower would be worse than high. I didn’t think it could have been that bad, yet still wondered why they called me on Sunday.  After the third missed call the next day, found out they just needed to reschedule. I really wish they had left a voicemail with that info. It would have saved me some worry and panic.

On to today:
"10 years. Labs are good. I think we can say you are cured"!!!!!  I could have hugged him, or even kissed him. I feel lighter. I didn’t even realize how heavy my shoulders were, but they really do feel lighter.

That said, I know that it could still come back. Ten years from now it could show up on my brain or elsewhere in my body. Even when the doctor said I didn’t have to come back unless I saw a mole or lump, there was a part of me that thought what if it’s in my liver or brain? Can I still get the blood tests? I have melanoma friends who have doctors who refused to say cured, and there is a part of me that has a hard time accepting that word (probably since I had done so much research during the past 10 years) BUT today I am taking the CURED word and loving it.

6 months

Today a neighbor asked where Joe was. She didn't know, so Mom had to go through the whole story again. I was doing okay it's been 6 months (plus a week) and I've been okay. We made it through their anniversary and my birthday. This kinda got me. Hearing it again.

And then, maybe a half hour later, after talking to a different neighbor (who knew about it the same day) said her son heard music playing (the kind Dad used to blast for the entire neighborhood) and smelled cigarette smoke (apparently different brands smells different? I don'tr smoke, so I have no idea), but this isn't a kid that makes stuff like this up. A sign he's still around sometimes? A coworker told me to keep an eye out for signs (smells, I don't know) but it's all interesting. Can our loved ones still hang around after they pass on? (I've always pictured Dad being busy chasing after Michelangelo and Mozart).

That said, I think, my cardinal count is at eight. I saw another one today. Mom is still at zero. She just can't see them when I point them out to her.

Melanoma awareness

Happy (?) Melanoma awareness month! Just because my latest posts have all had to do with the loss of a parent, does not mean that I have forgotten the reason I started this blog. I am, and will always be a melanoma survivor/ advocate. It is a part of me, and always will be.

Update

I guess it's time I update this. I'm still trying to get over the fact the my dad is dead. I guess, in a way, it has sunk in, things seem to be somewhat normal, but there are still times it hits me... Dad is dead. Being the visual person I am, I can still see the hand changing color, the body laying on that bed in the ER, and I know they probably won't ever go away. Images are my thing. But I'm also remembering the good times, and by chance, noticing similarities between some things I have done. For instance, about a week ago, Facebook had one of my photos in the "on this day" section. That photo was VERY similar to my dad's painting of the same area. Coincidence, who knows. I've been looking at that painting my entire life, maybe subconsciously my brain decided to emulate it. I don't know, but all I know is that this was the first time I noticed the similarities between the two.  The first image is dad's painting. The second is my photo. I'm quite a bit closer to the river and slightly to the right, but otherwise, you be the judge:

I have no idea what this means. A friend on Facebook said it was a sign of my loved one saying hello from the other side. A nice thought...

And on that note, I'm still looking for cardinals. My count is 2, mom has missed all of them...

"D", my neighbor has told me I'm doing a good job with her, and I'm trying. I'm doing my best to keep her busy, not that I really know what to do. I'm mainly drawing her into my house cleaning/ reorganizing, but it seems to be working.