Google Search

I was doing a Google search for my name, just to see what I found when I can across Williamsport Must Stop Sewage Overflows to Susquehanna River with a mention of my name. I was curious so i clicked on it and found one of my pictures (with a link to my Flickr account). I didn't even know that they had used it. Maybe I should be more upset that I wasn't asked, but as far as I'm concerned, as long as I get credit for the photo, I don't really care. It would have been nice to be asked before hand, or even told after the fact, but I'm going to go on the theory that any exposure is good exposure.

Life/ Depression

I woke up this morning depressed- hating my life, hating my job.  I just felt so rotten. It seems like I spend my life going to work, coming home to the tv and internet, sometimes going to the store, going to bed and then waking up and doing it all over again.  I'm 26. Aren't I supposed to be going out on the town enjoying life? Aren't these supposed to be the best years of my life? If so, what is my life going to be like at 46?

Maybe I would feel better if I didn't still work at McDonald's. This was supposed to be temporary. 4 years later, I'm still here.How does a reasonably intelligent college grad get stuck in a dead-end job at McDonald's? And why did it have to happen to me?! It's not that it is so bad act McD's, most of the customers are usually nice, and I get along with my coworkers (most of the time); this is not what I want to do with my life. I don't want to be a McDonald's Lifer.  There's a part of me that wishes I could just walk out and quit, but I need the lousy health insurance--the reason i took the job in the first place.

Health insurance is my line in the sand.  If a job posting doesn't say that there is health insurance, I don't even bother aplying. There's no point.  Because of pre-exsisting health conditions I cannot get private health insurance so I have to have a group health insurance plan. It's my only option until 2014 when it will be illegal for insurance companies to deny coverage to people like me.  That's as long as the Republicans don't manage to veto the law in the meantime.

If you asked me what kind of job I wanted I really couldn't tel you.  Ideally it would be a writing job, but at this point I'd take pretty much anything as long as there was health insurance, vacation time, etc. And being able to sit down and not have to stand for 71/2 hours a day would be nice.  However, after 4 years in customer service I will probably have a better chance at getting a job in that field.  But honestly, I would take any job with better benefits.

I have thought about going back to school, even talked to the people at FORTIS, but unless there is a 100% guarantee that I'll get a better job, why should I tack another $10,000- $20,000 to the loans I still owe for my (useless) bachelor's degree.  It seems pointless.

I have applied to other jobs, but most of the time I find myself pulling ads out of the paper, Setting them aside to apply to later, and then never following through. At times, it just seems hopeless.  I have applied to countless jobs in the last 4 1/2 years and have only heard from a few of them. And those were rejections because I don't have the experience.  How am I supposed to get experience if no one will hire me?! Why won't someone take a chance on me? It seems like I'm doomed to live this crappy life.  Isn't it supposed to get better at some point? Haven't I already dealt with enough over my short life.  Shouldn't things be turning around? Or am I just meant to suffer?...

Quick Update

Just a quick update: I had my 6 month checkup on Monday, and everything looks good.  liver is functioning well, lungs look good and there aren't any new/ changing moles on my back.  So far so good.  Maybe I've kicked it for good, Hopefully...

Missed anniversary

So I completely missed the anniversary of my diagnosis on September 1st.  It just never entered into my mind.   I have lived with a Melanoma diagnosis for two years now.  The first year, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about having the Melanoma diagnosis hanging over my head.  This second year wasn't as bad,  I still had days when it entered my mind, but it wasn't constantly there.  Days would go by without even a thought about Melanoma.  Hopefully this can continue.  Hopefully I can continue to live without thinking about, without having a recurrence.

Breakthrough Melanoma Drug Approved— First in a New Class of “Targeted” Treatments

Breakthrough Melanoma Drug Approved— First in a New Class of “Targeted” Treatments

Vemurafenib was approved by the FDA

Possible approval for new Melanoma drug

The FDA might approve Roche's Melanoma drug, Vemurafenib, in the next week or so.  Patients taking Vemurafenib (which was created for melanoma patients with the BRAF mutation) were "63 % less likely to die from the disease than patients given chemotherapy." BRAF, a genetic mutation that lets melanoma tumors grow, is found in almost half of all melanomas.

I have previously mentioned Ipi (or Ipilimumab) as a treatment for Melanoma.  Ipi was approved in March.  If Vemurafenib is approved, that would make two drugs in less than 6 months that were approved for Melanoma.

Which is great news for this melanoma survivor.  I don't know that either one would work for me, but if my Melanoma were to come back I am hopeful that there are new treatments that might work.  Hopefully I will never have a need for any of them, but I am glad that there is research being done.

Something HAS to be done. There HAS to be a cure.  Hopefully it will be found in my lifetime.   

Boots

My cat, Boots, died at 6:30 on May 30th. Why is it so hard to lose a pet? And how on Earth, do you deal with losing two in less than two weeks? How do you cope with it?

I've lost pets before. A dog, Lady, 12 years ago (1999) and a few years ago we nursed an orphaned kitten, Zosha, that ended up dying. Then we lost Laddie on May 20th, only 10 days ago.

Boots was 17 years old.

I remember bringing him home for the store when I was nine. While we were driving home, he jumped out of his box into my lap. I grew up alongside this cat.

He was the only cat I knew who would let his owner carrying him on her hip like a baby. He would wrap his back paws around my hips, place his front paws on my shoulders and nuzzle my chin with his head and face. My baby.

Boots loved spinach and chicken. He would eat an entire chicken breast if he got the chance.

I watched him grow older. A few years ago it seemed as if was “on his last legs”, according to my mom. Then we got the kittens, Tigger and Oreo. Once they came into the picture, Boots seemed to get his second wind. He started doing things that he hadn't done for years. It was as if they had reminded him how much fun it was to be a cat.

And then, all of a sudden, around 7pm on April 21st, he started having trouble breathing. At first, it seemed like he was just trying to cough up a hairball and couldn't get it up. Then I realized that wasn’t really the problem. He was having trouble breathing, his tongue was hanging out of his mouth and he was drooling, his nose and lower lip looked bluish/gray and he was having trouble moving/walking. I didn’t know what to do. I though he might just have something stuck in his throat, so I tried to stick my finger in his mouth to see if I could feel anything. I couldn’t, it seemed clear. I sat for two hours that night petting him, and telling him how much I loved him.

Boots spent a week lying in our upstairs bathroom doing nothing but sleeping. He wouldn’t eat and he barely moved. Then he seemed to get a little better. He started eating a little bit and began moving between my parents bedroom, the bathroom, and occasionally managed to venture downstairs. A couple of days ago, he made his way downstairs and started the process all over again, varying between the powder room and under the kitchen table. At this point, we knew that he wasn’t going to last much longer, but it’s still so hard. I know that he’s in a better place (hopefully) and that his suffering is over, but now what? What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? How do I deal with the grief of losing Boots on top of the sadness I still feel over Laddie’s death? Anyone know of anything that might help?



R.I.P. Boots
March 4, 1994- May 30, 2011

Laddie

Laddie
April 14, 2000- May 20, 2011 

Monday, May 14th:
"He is terminal," said the vet.  "One of his kidneys is twice the normal size and they are barely functioning."  Laddie was in kidney failure and he probably had bladder or kidney cancer, or both.

Since he didn't seem to be in any pain my dad decided,  that he wanted to have a few more days with him before we put him to sleep.  We decided to wait until Friday, May 20th.(Which, coincidentally) is my aunt's birthday and the anniversary of my grandmother's death.)

Several months ago, my family and I started to realize that there was something wrong with Laddie. (In the back of my mind I always suspected cancer, maybe because of my history).  We noticed that he was almost constantly leaking urine.  He would get up from the floor and there would always be a puddle behind.  He didn't seem to even notice what he was doing.   And this was the dog that was housebroken in  a week and never had an accident in the house.

Initially the vet thought, or maybe just hoped, that he had an infection.  Laddie was on antibiotics for a few weeks, but they didn't help.  He then went to vet for blood work and a x-ray.  Which showed the vet how bad his condition was.  Poor Laddie.

Laddie was a good dog,  He loved carrots and stuffed animals.  He thought all cats were his friends and never seemed to understand why the neighborhood cats ran away from him.  He always looked upset when it happened.  His best friend was my cat Oreo.  From the day we brought Oreo home the two were inseparable.  I don't know how Oreo is going to react to the loss of his buddy.  He will be missed.

I Love You, Laddie.

Relief

Everything was clear!  My lab results looked good, the doctor didn't see anything to worry about on my back and my lymph nodes felt fine.  I'm so relieved.  I woke up with that nerves, twisting feeling in my stomach this morning and I was worried that something would appear.  Even though I didn't know of anything i was still worried.  but I'm clear.  Good to go for another six months.  And after that doctor said that we might go down to once a year, which will be nice.  Of course I will continue to keep any eye out for anything that's changing, but its good news for now.

Doctor's appointment eve

My doctor's appointment is tomorrow morning and I'm starting to get anxious.  I'm worried that my bloodwork/exray aren't going to be normal..As far as I know I am fine.  I have no symptoms, but there is still that nagging thought that its going to come back and the closer I get to my appointment the worse it gets.  It's not like worrying will change anything, but I just can't get myself to stop.  I wonder it if is always going to be this way.  Am I going to feel like this every 6 months/ year for the rest of my life?!  I wish I could just let it go, but that's not really who I am.  I am a worrier, just like my mother, just like my mother's mother, maybe it's genetic, which unfortunately means that there is no hope in breaking the cycle.

6 months

It's time for my 6 month check-up and lab tests. Time for the worry and paranoia to set in. Are the lab tests going to be clear? Are there any suspicious looking spots on my back that i didn't see? Am I OK for the next 6 months?

Thoughts of recurrence never totally leave my mind, but they always seems to be at the forefront every time a check-up rolls around.

I think part of my problem is that my melanoma never looked like a typical melanoma. It was round, symmetrical, all one color--basically it just looked like a giant pimple, which is probably my biggest worry. When does a pimple stop being a pimple? Are those little red dots just pimples, or are they tiny melanomas preparing for attack? How can I be really sure they are nothing without running to the doctor every time I see a new spot. i don't have the time or money to do that. How can I be sure when the first one seemed perfectly safe until it started bleeding? Or maybe I'm just paranoid...