Relief

Everything was clear!  My lab results looked good, the doctor didn't see anything to worry about on my back and my lymph nodes felt fine.  I'm so relieved.  I woke up with that nerves, twisting feeling in my stomach this morning and I was worried that something would appear.  Even though I didn't know of anything i was still worried.  but I'm clear.  Good to go for another six months.  And after that doctor said that we might go down to once a year, which will be nice.  Of course I will continue to keep any eye out for anything that's changing, but its good news for now.

Doctor's appointment eve

My doctor's appointment is tomorrow morning and I'm starting to get anxious.  I'm worried that my bloodwork/exray aren't going to be normal..As far as I know I am fine.  I have no symptoms, but there is still that nagging thought that its going to come back and the closer I get to my appointment the worse it gets.  It's not like worrying will change anything, but I just can't get myself to stop.  I wonder it if is always going to be this way.  Am I going to feel like this every 6 months/ year for the rest of my life?!  I wish I could just let it go, but that's not really who I am.  I am a worrier, just like my mother, just like my mother's mother, maybe it's genetic, which unfortunately means that there is no hope in breaking the cycle.

6 months

It's time for my 6 month check-up and lab tests. Time for the worry and paranoia to set in. Are the lab tests going to be clear? Are there any suspicious looking spots on my back that i didn't see? Am I OK for the next 6 months?

Thoughts of recurrence never totally leave my mind, but they always seems to be at the forefront every time a check-up rolls around.

I think part of my problem is that my melanoma never looked like a typical melanoma. It was round, symmetrical, all one color--basically it just looked like a giant pimple, which is probably my biggest worry. When does a pimple stop being a pimple? Are those little red dots just pimples, or are they tiny melanomas preparing for attack? How can I be really sure they are nothing without running to the doctor every time I see a new spot. i don't have the time or money to do that. How can I be sure when the first one seemed perfectly safe until it started bleeding? Or maybe I'm just paranoid...